sometimes.

I want to go back, to close my eyes only for a moment and imagine my life how it used to be. sometimes when i wake up i forget that i'm not in my old room anymore, expect to hear the noise of feet above me as maya and ethan chase eachother arround upstairs. what i would give to go back to those times. sometimes, when i'm having a really bad day i'll write about how things used to be, how fast my days went by with school, basketball, friends, homework, and dinner. and how happy i was each night as i climbed into bed and looked forward to starting my next day. of course eventually the time comes when i have to face reality again, open my eyes, and realize that that's not my world anymore, i live here now.
School has been unbelieveably difficult, and i guess that's why i haven't blogged. why blog about school if it's such a torture chamber for me? i dread waking up and having to face another eight hours of people ignoring me and clark at school, not even talking to us. i yearn for the weekend to come again even before it's over.it seems like a lifetime has passed since the first day of school, but yet that was only less than three weeks ago. i yearn for summer to come again so that i can see my friends, escape rockford and never have to come back. i pray that i'll be able to get into one of the other two highschools arround here, hoping that next year they will make room for a junior and a sophmore so clark and i can escape the wrath that we're getting here. i never thought that school was going to be this difficult, that three months after we moved i'd only have friends that were in my ward, friends that i only get to see twice a week.
the one thing that has helped me to get through this is early morning seminary. even though getting up at four thirty in the morning is always a struggle, i leave seminary and head to school with the knowledge that even though i don't fare well with the kids at school, even though nobody talks to me, i always will have the lord on my side, and i can always pray to help me through things. that being said, i never in a million years imagined that moving would be this difficult, that i would spend just as many nights wishing to have my old life back as i had wishing to get out of it. i don't even know if i want to play basketball anymore. why should i if none of the girls on the team even acknowledge my presence? i want to prove them wrong though, show them that even though this move has taken away my social life, my best friends, my house, my life in general, that they can't take the one thing i love the most away from me, that i am going to be out there dominating that court, proving to them that they were wrong, and that they do need me. but every time i decide that's what i'm going to do, i'm completely over come with these complete and total anxiety attacks.
I think that i like it here in minnesota though, i love our house, i love our neighborhood, and the people in it. i love my ward, and our stake. everyone has been so welcoming. i just hate my school, and seeing as that's where i'm going to be spending eight hours five days a week for the next nine months that really needs to change. i always wondered why we moved, why that job offer kept comming back to my dad. then it hit me. what if i'm supposed to learn something about myself through this? what if who i become this year is majorly influenced by the school i'm at, the people i have to stand up for what i believe in to. i guess we'll just have to wait and see. i'm sorry to all the unfortunate whom have stumbled across this blog post. i just have to where else to say this, and so here is stays. i'm just going to continue to pray and have faith that it will get better because what else can i do? it's not like i can give up. so yeah. maybe me next blog post will be better. we'll see. i haven't blogged about the jonas brothers lately. maybe it's because i'm not a super crazily obsessed fan anymore. it's nice to pretend though. we'll see how things turn out though. talk to you all later deal? deal.
love forever and always,
Sarah Leslie