never grow up

With my sixteenth birthday just three and a half months away, i keep thinking about the future, i have alot of big decisions ahead of me in the next few years. it's crazy to think that in just two and a half years, i'll be off to college, all on my own. i can't even imagine ever being ready for that, i just want to stay here, spend time with my family, and never grow up. but at the same time, i'm at a point in my life where i get to plan my future, and make those decisions that will get me to where i want to be. where do i want to be? ten years from now i see myself married in the temple, and with a few kids. but as far as where do i want to be three years from now? i don't exactly know. honestly, if i could do anything, i'd head straight to the french culinary institute in new york, and see where that takes me. but that's $65,000 i surely don't have. why would i go there, when i could go to byu, and still major in culinary arts. it's not like i'm going to be a head chef at a five star restaurant in new york anyways. but i'm okay with that, i just don't want to settle for less and end up regretting it ten years down the road when i decide i want to open a bakery and don't have the proper training. then there is the other side of me, why not take a risk? if it's really what i love and i work hard enough, it will all pay off in the end. although, i would be plenty content majoring in english, becomming an english teacher, and writing books for the rest of my life. sometimes, i have a hard time thinking about all that stuff though. especially because i'm just so content with the way everything is in my life right now. i have great relationships with my parents and siblings, and i'm finally starting to make friends. plus, last semester i got an A- in MATH. yep. but it seems like i'm always looking to the future, even when i'm not trying to i'll find myself thinking about a trip to utah this summer, what i'll do with who, and how long i'll stay. just wishing that summer could come so i could go back. the other day someone asked me why i wanted to go back so bad if i didn't even like utah that much in the first place. i thought about that for awhile. aside from the fact that my best friend lives there, i have probably the awesomest family on the face of the plante there, and i lived there for seven years, there is also the other part of me that just wants to show all those people who thought that i couldn't do it, who pretended to be sad that we were leaving, and who were secretly relieved that we were leaving mormonville that i did it, i left and i'm comming back a completely different person. REALLY, a completely different person. people keep telling me how proud they are of me, how much of a change they've noticed from when we first arrived here eight months ago to now. it's taken me awhile though to fully grasp just how much i've changed. now that i have, i couldn't be happier. i couldn't be more grateful to be where i am today, to be surrounded by the people i'm surrounded by. to get to wake up every morning and go to early morning seminary, to head to school having felt the spirit for and hour, ready to take on the world...and any crazy teenage mormon questions that have sprung from their mormon knowledge-most of which comes from the mormon episode of south park Grrrreeeaaaatt. but i love it. more than anything. i love being different, i love knowing who i am. and even though i don't exactly know what i want the future to hold, or what big decisions i'm going to make in the next few years, i know that i have the gospel in my life, i have a supportive family who loves me, great friends, and instant communication with the one person who understands me most, the one person who knows exactly what i'm going through, through prayer.

so now we begin yet another week. i can't believe tomorow is the last day of january, it makes me happy and sad at the same time that things are moving this quickly. before i know it, sophmore year will be over, and i will be off on even more summer adventures. but for now, i'll take my slippers and blanket, try and stay warm in this -20* weather, and enjoy where i am now, being who i am.